Yesterday was supposed to be a fasting day, but it wasn’t. The frustration with my job has been high this week (I’m not sure it’s ever been low), and I decided that I needed something to look forward to in order to get through the day. I chose to allow myself to eat, so, when the workday ended, I headed to P. Terry’s for a cheeseburger and fries.

Despite the calories and carbohydrates, I weigh three pounds less this morning. That kind of loss is actually what I would have expected had I fasted, so I don’t feel too bad about my lack of self-discipline. As always, I’m mystified whenever I have a meal like that and still lose weight. I did go to the gym yesterday (which I hadn’t done on Monday or Tuesday), but my workouts are short and only moderate in intensity, so I’m guessing they only burn a few hundred calories.

I’ve touched on this before, but given that my tendency to overindulge is correlated with psychological turmoil, and given that my job is a source of psychological turmoil, I’m in a tough spot in terms of losing weight. Other than leaving my job, there isn’t much I can do other than equip myself with the qualifications necessary to secure a different role with my current employer or somehow learn how to better manage the stress of my current role. I’m honestly not sure how to do the latter as a great deal of the stress related to my current job comes from factors beyond my control. In a nutshell: I fundamentally disagree with the aspects of my position that my employer chooses to emphasize over others. My employer’s current view of how I should do my job is short-sighted and backwards, and that’s not something that I think I’ll ever be able to accept, hence the ongoing turmoil.

Because I struggle mightily with OCD, depression, etc., my brain is in an uncomfortable state of turmoil all the time; it’s just a question of the severity of that turmoil. I’m never really at peace—I’m never really calm or content. I’m used to this state, though, and I do my best to manage it (although I frequently fail). What I haven’t grown accustomed to, though, and what I’ll probably never accept, is chronic turmoil from an external source. Why not? Because I have a choice: I can walk away. There’s no reason to put myself through a situation that feels untenable when I have other options; I just need to find those other options. I’m not young anymore; I can’t afford to toil away doing something I hate for much longer. I’m going to try to make it to a year in my current role. If I can do that, I’ll have the opportunity to explore other roles with my current employer, but if I’m not given that opportunity—or if no better opportunity arises—I need to walk away.

There’s a BBQ function today at work, and I look at it as a reward for putting up with a lot of the bullshit I encounter on the job. So I’m going to indulge. And I’m not going to stress about it.